Another Leo's Den

Location: Puerto Rico

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

A Breath of Air to Watch it all Crumble

It's been a while so I guess I'll start with an apology to anyone who's put the time in to actually read this thing and found it not updated in so long.

So lets see. I want my readers to know that I do what I can to make sure these posts don't point fingers but in all honesty the people I see everyday are the ones that inspire most of the stuff I write about. This post is about as ungeneral as I ever plan to get.

Standards (courtesy of
a) A degree or level of requirement, excellence, or attainment.
b) A requirement of moral conduct. Often used in the plural.

I have so many of them, for myself, for my friends, for everyone really. A lot of people say "you shouldn't judge" well I'll probably get into that in another post, but for the sake of clarity I will say that I do it all the time. Perhaps thats where it all comes from, the crumbling I am watching all around me.

And what is my question? Exactly when is it that you are expecting too much? When does a friend's or lover's mistake stop being a mistake and start being a disappointment? Where is the line? When does a person you have judged worthy of your time and love become unworthy? This is a difficult question, there isnt an objective measurement that you could use for this. How it would it be if there was? A time interval? or perhaps a fixed amount? Probably not, seeing as how none of them take into account the relationship you have with the person and a million other things that would be quite neccessary when making any kind of determination about a person and who they are.

Thats actually what we are getting at isn't, who are these people. Why can they do the things they do? Or better yet, why do they do the things they do? What are their intentions, what are they trying to accomplish? Can a person really be so oblivious to their actions? and to those actions' consequeces?

These past few weeks I have seen so many things crumbling away. Everything from family to friends. And it's become a vision of sorrow. People I had and still have enormous respects for seem to be falling. I will say that there are those who are aware of themselves and those who are not. I worry more for those who are not, these are the people who will continue to be consumed by these acts and their ways are only going to become more deplorable as they go along.

I have said goodbye to some of them, and to others I have said be careful. For now, I suppose I'll just keep looking out my windows. Watching and waiting for the days where the crumbling stops and the restoration begins or the darker days where there simply is nothing left of them to crumble.

The thing I've learned from it all? Standards. They will stay and the bar will only get higher with passing days. Having standards has gotten me to where I am and having standards wil keep me on the road I'm on and with the people who deserve to be there with me.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

That thing called god

Ok well anyone who knows me should have known this was coming, I spend a lot of time on this one. Ok so whats this thing called god? A lot of people seem to have the answer to this one. So where should I start? Most of the time mathematicans begin with a couple definitions. But seeing as how I'm not particularly interested in atheist bashers starting with the opening paragraph I think I'll leave those out for the moment.

So generally speaking how many of you want a god? Doesnt have to be some nice one, or omnipotent, or anything like that. Just some big thing letting you know theres a reason. How many times have you thought about what exactly you are here for? What were you meant to do? What is your purpose? Some people say to be god's servant, to do his will here on earth. Others say to reach enlightenment some others say to get married and have children. Here's what I say, what's the purpose? To live. To wake up in the morning and have that coffee you like so much or waste time doing whatever it is you like to waste time doing.

So lets see, to live. How do you go about living? What makes living living? My reasoning tells me that you can't really call it living if you aren't liking it. It's an implicit contradiction, living to be unhappy or living to do wrong. So that thing called god, do you need it to live? Is god a neccessary component of living or being happy or even doing good? Personally I think it's pretty obvious that god isn't. Now many people would argue that god teaches us those things and while that could be true for certain ones it by no means that you could not learn right from wrong or happiness from other sources.

What impulses people to look for this mythical creature that moves the world? I've always thought it was insecurity, people that needed some kind of reassurance that they weren't going to be dust in the wind tomorrow. And this is true for some people, many many people actually have gods for this reason. However I've recently found that there is another.

To destroy free will, to murder the one thing that allows you to choose who you are and how you live freely. Tell me one thing, what is a god exactly? Well it seems reasonable to assume that god would be what people would consider perfect. An ideal they strive to be or please. Now a person would have to refuse himself or put himself under this idea before they can look up to it. How in control of my actions am I if I strive to please something/one else? You wouldn't be in control you wouldnt be deciding who you would be, you'd be following orders. You wouldn't be living.

What else is there to say? What do I believe in? I believe in a god, a very particular one. No special powers or faith. The only thing it would make any sense to be, the only thing I could look up to or even choose to be, myself.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


SO... Another Leo's Den. That was the best I could come up with, as for introductions well I try to avoid being cliche but since I love the sound of my own voice (and I'm reading this to myself as I go along) I figured it wouldn't hurt. I'm just a kid really, actually a sort of half-breed something like a kid and a grown-up, I'm not sure what we call those anymore. I mean there's kid, teenager, adult, senior citizen and dead and I don't particularly feel like any one of those. Unfortunately I've just passed the state where I knew absolutely everything (teenager) and I've headed into the one where I realized I don't know a damn thing, which isn't quite adult because it seems like a lot of them actually know something worthwhile. And I dont mean school shit, the kids know how to add. I'm talking about real life things, the stuff that you wake up to and deal with all day. So here I am, a 22 year old who still loves toys and games and is starting to actually live out a life. You can make up the rest.

AND here is today's post.
Good or Bad

What makes a person? No better yet, what makes a good person? I could probably recite some Aristotle or Aquinas and be done. But again, thats just school stuff. The difference between theory and practice I suppose. We make mistakes, all of us do, some of us are even lucky enough to know that we did. When you're a kid these things are simple, I got dirty or I broke something etc. But how about now? when the mistakes you make actually affect who you are? When you see yourself as a different person because of something you chose to do. How do you evaluate yourself? How do you know whether or not you are a good person? Sure, your mother tells everyone you are, and your friends probably do too. But honestly does anyone tell their mothers or friends everything? and even if you did would they sufficiently impartial enough to say "nope, he's pretty bad" probably not. However this is all beside the point. If I needed everyone to tell me whether or not I'm a good person I wouldn't waste my time thinking about how to evaluate it on my own.

It's a very deep topic and I refuse to conform myself to mediocre motivating relativistic views that good and bad cant be measured or that it's all in a point of view. Because it's not. I refuse to believe that I'm on the same level as any Ted Bundy or, to be classic and cliche, Hitler. Other more objective people have a more Utilitarian outlook, if I do more good then bad then I'm good and I guess that could work, in some situations. But it isn't enough.

I've done 5 years worth of mathematics in college and I've learned to set things up absolutely. However I've lately com to realize that everything isn't as black and white as math. And after so long I've come to realize that the grey does exist. But I will maintain, absolutely, that pure grey i.e. 50/50 is not where anyone should be or should even want to be. You have to judge yourself, you have to put yourself on trial. You have to see who you have become, who you want to be and you have to work to it. This by any means does not produce a good person . Responding negatively to any of these questions will not get you to anything good.

Unfortunately or fortunately, who knows, I do not have the answer to this. I don't know exactly what makes a person good or bad. I know that it involves more than crude logic. It goes beyond a simple set of rules or axioms. It's also a feeling. It's something righteous you feel and something righteous you know. It's the mesh between what makes you feel right and and what you know is right. Knowing how to take advantage of your mistakes and wrongdoings, feeling the guilt and knowing how to attone. Making your mistakes teach you not to make them again and sharing this knowledge with others, it's a start